INSANITY - DAY 1
So
this is my first attempt at blogging and I figured what better way to start
things off than to do the same thing most other people do on social networking
sites … complain about how terrible my life is at the moment (fishing, perhaps?
Seriously people. And if you're one of those people that says "I know
right?!" when you read this, just take about 10 minutes to look through
your own posting history and reflect on whether or not you're proud of yourself
now).
Before
it all begins, I equip myself with my handy Pokewalker with Murkrow at my side
(yup, nerdy but this is my blog, so suck it). In retrospect, not the most
suitable Pokemon companion during an Insanity workout. I'm thinking that for
the future, I'll bring along a Magikarp as I see my ideal transition going from
Magikarp to Gyarados. I may reconsider this more in the future, as various
other Pokemon seem suitable as well. So, I take some "Before" pics to
attempt to get a visual display of my progress later at some point. After some
brief disappointment, we transition into the video.
Insanity
begins with a disclaimer (essentially, "Your heart may seriously explode -
seriously."). Then we are introduced to the guy I refer to as the narrator
- Shaun T. From the minute he opened his mouth, I thought “Wow - what a
sensitive, soft, caring individual." A very quick episode of
google-stalking confirmed that he is indeed gay and married at that.
Congratulations to those two - cool stuff there (REPRESENT!!). Apparently there
was some skepticism regarding his sexuality in the beginning. I LOL'ed when I
read that. The only thing I have to say is that if the people who weren’t 100%
sure had just watched a little past the Fit Test, the DVD transitions right
into Shaun T’s choreography background. We get a brief glimpse into his life as
a world-renowned choreographer where he displays his “attitude hips” and
“whateva IDGAF guuurrllll” head bobs from his “Hip Hop Abs” video. Side note –
why is he always referred to as Shaun T?! I don't (often) refer to myself as
Tyler V - or better yet, Tyler, son of Tommy.
Anyway,
back to the actual workout. So he begins with a few words of wisdom and the
whole “dig deeper” thing. Blah blah blah - you'll get great results. He describes
the importance of the Fit Test every two weeks. He also introduces the main
antagonist, Tanya “The Machine.” Now, there’s something about this Tanya that
was a bit off-putting for me (which makes sense as she's obviously an
antagonist). I think the thing that annoyed me about her was her non-stop “look
at me kicking your ass” smile that she had going on THE ENTIRE TIME (and she
totally kicked my ass >:-\). It reminded me a bit of someone who’s been
affected by Joker gas (Batman reference) where it contorts the face into a
constant smile. So for the purposes of the rest of the Insanity workout, Tanya
(the main antagonist) will be referred to as “Joker Face.” Furthermore, I think
that Joker Face has officially become my rival. Apparently, I'm not the only
one who isn't the biggest Tanya fan either - I'm gonna pull a Slowpoke meme on
this one (look it up) and refer you all to the internet (search "tanya
insanity annoying" - it's a whole thing!). We are also introduced to the
"Underdog" and main protagonist, Chris “the Crybaby” Cortez. While I
made up the last name because alliteration is cool, the nickname still sticks.
I can’t actually take credit for this nickname though – credit for this goes to
Shaun T because he basically calls Chris a crybaby at the end of the Fit Test.
Blah
blah blah, now we transition into the part where they all start to kick my ass.
We begin with “Switch Kicks.” First impression: “These look kinda like super
flamboyant, overdone goose steps” I get in the ready stance and look over at
Joker Face; turns out she already knows what's in store ... And so we begin the
"Switch Kicks." During the exercise, I was getting more and more
familiar with what it feels like to have a heart that gets little to no cardio
throughout the week. End result with these - I actually did OK and my heart
didn't explode like I'd anticipated. I was pretty proud of myself for my very
first attempt. *I will attempt to post a
little table with results toward the end instead of going into details here.*
Anyway, "Switch Kicks" are done and now it's time to take a brief
rest, talk to Joker Face and Crybaby Cortez and transition into the next
workout: Power Jacks.
When
I hear the name, my mind says to me "Oh shit - that doesn't sound
good." "Slow it down mind! I'll be the judge of this." Shaun T
uses Joker Face to show us an example of how the Power Jacks go - basically
squats into jumping jacks. I know I saw her smirk at me while he was using her
as an example. So the thought "this is doable" pops into my mind - and
it was doable. Definitely felt that one though. Shaun T reminds us to get some
water. LOL! That dummy - I had water in hand long before he even mentioned it.
You know, tryin not to dehydrate an shit. Also, it was my attempt to try to
keep my mind away from the fact that I had only eaten once today and would
seriously consider killing someone for ice cream at the moment. So I'm just
standing with my water, kicking my legs a little as we wait to transition into
the next workout.
As
Shaun T demonstrates the "Power Knees," Joker Face nods her head,
already aware of what's expected with these. Just like the know-it-all kid in
the classroom, my glare just goes straight to her. I know on a literal level
she isn't aware of me glaring at her, but I like to think that in some
metaphysical way, SHE KNOWS. So the "Power Knees" - basically the
same motion you would use to pull a person's head into your knee during a
fight. Seems simple enough, but my abs and heart were just not having it.
Throughout the exercise, I could feel my heart trying to literally jump out of
my throat during the exercise. Toward the end of "Power Knees,"
Crybaby makes his presence know ("AHHH") and Shaun T basically says
"GET THE HELL OVER IT - WE ONLY HAVE 5 SECONDS LEFT!!!" We read
Chris' numbers and Shaun T does some simple subtraction to show his
improvement. We transition to Joker Face who has obliterated Chris' results.
Not at all implying this based on her sex - she just kicks so much ass and I'm
such a hater of her progress! Shaun T also reminds us that "Insanity is
not sexist." Good to know ... It
was also at the end of this exercise that my body decided that the lunch I had
earlier wanted to pay me a visit. That's right - at the end of my third
workout, I vomited for the first time. For those who know how
English things work, that implies that I vomited at least one more time.
Fantastic. Let me first say that I'm so glad I washed my dishes the other
night. I won't go into great details about the vomit except to say that I was
briefly concerned that there was blood. Then I remembered that I drank some
fruit punch earlier and could relax a little while apologizing to my body.
Next
exercise - "Power Jumps." Essentially, we're told to start from a
squat, jump straight up and land as daintily as we possibly can. This was an
important part of this exercise for me because I didn't want to disturb my
neighbors. Once that thought crossed my mind, another thought followed: "I
should unlock my door in case my body just gives up, that way my neighbors can
hear me slam into the floor and investigate whether or not I've been
murdered." With my body feeling slightly refreshed from my first vomiting
session of my workout, I get right into it. Damn - this is rough. By the end, I
found that I did indeed survive and was ready to transition into the next
exercise: "Globe Jump."
So
here it comes - "Pay attention." I'm glad Shaun T reminded me to pay
attention - who knows what could have happened. Anyway, the "Globe
Jump" - from a squat, jump left, front ... damn ... I should have listened
better. Rewind - OK; squat, jump right, extend up, jump back into a squat, jump
left and extend, jump forward to squat and extend. Probably my favorite part of
this exercise was when Shaun T criticizes Tanya for messing up on her
"Globe Jumps" - hahahaha, gooooood (>:-D). So I survived the
"Globe Jumps" and sadly still found myself stuck in Dayton, Ohio.
Back to the sad reality and - oh wait - what's this? Fucking SUICIDE
JUMPS!?
It
was at this point that I knew that if Natural Selection had a physical
embodiment, it would be Shaun T as this moment. Also, my mind interpreted the
"Suicide Jumps" as "if you can't these, you may as well kill
yourself (or else you will probably be killed by someone like Joker Face).
While the name was intimidating, the actual exercise itself is actually a more
intense variation of a yoga move that I've practiced along with an additional
jump. I found myself able to survive the Suicide Jumps which was made easier
with Shaun T telling me that he would cut my throat if I didn't get a few more
in. Perhaps that's not what he actually said, but that's what I
heard. While my body's hatred for me continued to grow, I knew I had to
transition into the next exercise to help distract myself from the nausea that
seemed to be taking hold of me.
Which
brings us to "Push-up Jacks." Push-ups with a jumping jack twist of
splaying out your legs when you go down and bringing them back together on the
way up. Not the most creative names, but another doable exercise. I have no
idea what was actually happening on the screen during this exercise as I had my
head down the whole time. Not sure if it was because of the workout itself
being a push-up or if there was some shame and guilt involved in what I was
doing to my poor body. I finish up the push-up jacks and my body chimes in:
"Oh hey we're done with those?! Awesome! Time to go vomit again."
Unfortunately, it felt like at least an eight minute vomit session for me.
Thankfully, I had some Draino handy under the sink afterward, but I wasn't
going to use that just yet as I had another intense workout to get through.
Just like I'm in an intense boxing match, I wash my mouth out with some water,
spit and get right back into the action. I come back to the DVD and have to
rewind since I spent so much time vomiting and didn't even have the time to
pause. We rewind and by this time I've got this huge curiosity boiling in me
and it always come down to "Did Crybaby beat the Joker Face?!). I watch in
anticipation and I can FINALLY say that I'm proud of my little Crybaby as he
beat Joker Face by 10 Push-up Jacks! It's about damn time! I raise my bottle
for a brief drink of water to him and life continues.
Last,
but not least - the "Low plank obliques." "Are you ready for the
last exercise?!" A few tears of joy (and some misery) stream down my face
as I cry out "Yes! A thousand time yeeeessssss!" Shaun T demonstrates
the move as "[his] form stays perfect" in his words
(which it was) and it doesn't look impossible. By no means will I say that it's
easy, as nothing has been up to this point, but certainly not impossible. I get
myself some water and prepare myself mentally and physically for the last
exercise. I get myself down to my cold, hardwood floor and get into position. I
practice one on each side before - from a plank, pull each leg up individually
toward the elbows from the sides. He pushes SOOOO MUCH during this last
exercise and I manage to survive this one, just like all the others. At the end
of this workout, Shaun T starts to make his way over to Chris but not before he
points out "Chris is crying" (LOL, Crybaby. At least I just vomited).
On a serious note, I'm definitely a fan of crying but I just don't think my
body was physiologically capable of it at the end of this all. So blah blah
blah, they've made progress, great for them.
I'M
DONE! OH MY STARS, IT'S OVER! Finally ... My body starts to wonder "Is it
time for a victory vomit?" "NO!" I say, as I indulge in some
water. We get into some of the cool-down stretching and it's rough to say the
least. Again, another thing that I survive. Finally, we are done and my body is
just - no. I just physically cannot ... anything. DVD continues to play and we
get overwhelmed with advertisements for all of Shaun T's other programs (as
well as a peak into his choreography life).
Results
So
my results were as follows:
|
EXERCISE
|
TOTAL REPS
|
SUCCESSFUL VOMITS BY END OF EXERCISE
|
|
Switch
Kicks
|
84
|
0
|
|
Power
Jacks
|
38
|
0
|
|
Power
Knees
|
43
|
1
|
|
Power
Jump
|
20
|
0
|
|
Globe
Jump
|
6
|
0
|
|
Suicide
Jump
|
8
|
0
|
|
Push-up
Jacks
|
15
|
1
|
|
Low
Plank Oblique
|
25
|
0
|
Conclusions
After
some reflection on the overall course of this "Insanity" phenomenon,
I have decided that for these first initial weeks, I will track my progress
based on the number of times I vomit. By the second Fit Test, it is my
intention to reduce my average number of vomits from 2 to 1. Normally I would
err on the side of caution and say 1.5 vomits, but half vomits usually consist
of dry heaving and I would rather just skip that step. Despite that my ass was
thoroughly kicked and the fact that I found a new rival, I intend to continue
into day 2 of Insanity tomorrow. Thus, I intend to continue to hate my life a
little more by day's end tomorrow. Why am I doing this? :-\
Any
questions or comments, let me know.
-
Ty
